Stupid answers given during an exam

"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning - Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...

How important are elections to a democratic society? - Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's Column

What's a Hindu?
It lays eggs

Name the four seasons
Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house

What is a co-operative?
It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The Kiss of Death

What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs

What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
Circumcision

"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."

"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast."

"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."

"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."

"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters."

"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The
brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Before giving a blood transfusion find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial
Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been
taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

******
Exam answers from actual nursing examination papers.

The lady was incontinent and the nurse was told to watch her passing urine.

The patient was put under the physiotherapist who came often.

I informed the patient she could get up when her legs go down.

The patient had a large bowl movement (instead of Bowel).

The student nurse was sent for a long stand. She did not return for two hours.

Monkeyman935 Online Warning : Hoax

Monkeyman935 Online Warning Hoax


Summary:
Email "warning" claims that someone with the screen-name "Monkeyman935" is killing women he has met via the Internet :


Status:
False

Example:(Submitted, May 2005)
Subject: FROM THE STATE POLICE: NOT A JOKE

PLEASE READ THIS: State Police Warning for Online

WARNING FROM THE STATE POLICE . . USA (Not a joke.)

State police warning for online: Please read this "very carefully"..then send it out to all the people online that you know.

Something like this is nothing to be taken casually; this is something you DO want to pay attention to. Think of it as a bit of advice too.

If a person with the screen-name of Monkeyman935 contacts you, do not reply.

DO not talk to this person; do not answer any of his/her instant Messages or e-mail. Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet.

Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well. This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, AIM, and Excite so far.

This is not a joke! Please send this to men too...just in case! Send to everyone you know! Ladies, this is serious.


Comments :
The information in this email "warning" is untrue and it should not be forwarded. "Monkeyman935" is not murdering women he has met via the Internet and this dire warning can be safely disregarded.

Although false, this "warning" actually has its origins in events surrounding the real case of brutal serial killer John E. Robinson. After a lengthy history of violence and murder, Robinson was finally arrested in 2000. He was charged in relation to the murders of several women, some of whom he met via Internet chat rooms. Robinson, going by the nickname "Slavemaster", used the Internet to entice women into participating in sadomasochistic relationships, several of which ended in homicide. You can read the full horrific story of the Robinson case in a series of articles on the Crime Library website.

The original version of the email (see below) apparently began circulation as a result of Robinson's crimes. The first version featured the screen name "Slavemaster" rather than "Monkeyman935". Although Robinson did really use the name "Slavemaster", he has been securely incarcerated for most or all of the time that the message has been circulating. Authorities suspect that he was involved in the deaths of a number of women, but the total is almost certainly a lot less than 56 as is claimed in the email.

Since the original "Slavemaster" message, there have been several other very similar versions in which alternative screen names have been inserted. As well as "Monkeyman935", mutated versions have featured the screen names "SweetCaliGuy4evr", "Free_mumia911" and others.

This hoax email will most likely continue to circulate for a long time to come. From time to time, someone will substitute a new "screen name" and the amended version will be repeatedly forwarded. This name substitution tactic is reminiscent of the MSN Contact List Virus Hoax, in which new email addresses replace previous ones quite regularly.

Certainly, Internet users should take measures to protect their privacy while online. Caution and commonsense should be used, especially if we decide to physically meet with people we have "met" on the Internet. However, forwarding this sort of hysterical nonsense is not likely to foster a sensible awareness of online personal safety issues. Instead, it just spreads unnecessary fear and alarm.

Other References:
Symantec Write-Up: Slavemaster
SLAVEMASTER JOHN EDWARD ROBINSON

Two Original Versions:
Please read this and pass it on. VERY SERIOUS!

Our homeoffice has informed us that they received this bit of information. Read this very carefully....then send it to all the people online that you know. You DO want to pay attention to this.

If a person with the screen-name of Slavemaster contacts you, do not reply, do not talk to this person; do not answer any of his/her instant messages or e-mail. Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet.

Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to pass it on. This screen name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, and Excite. Send to everyone.

Ladies this is very serious.

If a guy by the name of ----- _SlaveMaster ----- contacts you do not answer. He has killed 56 women that he has talked to on the Internet. PLZ SEND OUT TO ALL THE WOMEN ON YOUR BUDDY LIST . ALSO ASK THEM TO PASS THIS ON.

He has been on {{Yahoo- Aol-- Excite}} so far. This is no JOKE.!!!!!!

Long Live Bachelors

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

--Sam Kinison


----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.

--H. L. Mencken


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
- U2


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "

Ironic.

Some facts:
----------------

1) The capability of an individual to do anything stupid is unmeasurable.

2) I do not doubt Human Intelligence, I doubt the ability of its usage.
Ritesh Nair. 2006.

3) Humans search for extra terrestrial intelligence and pump big money into projects such, to know if god made the same mistake of creating dumb people elsewhere.

4) We are children of free will, even the angels do not have that choice, I can trade free will for wings....

Women, Facts and Stock Market

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry
a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle
class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you
all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual
income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New
York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting,
but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

-------------------------------------------------

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please
allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement,
so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. >From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to
marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty"
and "money":
Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your
beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year,
but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a
depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be
much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value
dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It
might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or
"leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that
you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k
annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

signed,